We all have egos - and our individual preferences lead us to different actions to satisfy our egos. Some of us need verbal affirmation, some of us need to demonstrate an amazing accomplishment or achievement - still others, thrive on the thrill of secrecy or being covert - like having a secret awesome identity that nobody else knows about.
When it comes to relationships though, our egos can change. I've noticed this. The usually secure and boastful alpha male becomes insecure and doubtful in front of his mate. Or the usual secretive silent achievers can't shut up about their awesome quiet accomplishments in front of their loved ones.
What is it about us as social beings that requires us to wear a mask through most of our daily interactions?
Is the world such a truly gruesome and terrifying place? Are we all so afraid of each other? What's the worse that could happen if we abandoned our facades for a day?
Apologies for the existential rambling - I blame the gloomy weather. Next week, I'll be reviewing Sex and the City 2 - should be fun!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Everyone has gone Cougar Crazy
The blogging world is abuzz with Google's decision to ban the dating site, CougarLife.com from appearing on AdSense. With celebrity cougar cub couples like Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore and the RV shows like Cougar Town, cause we all know Courtney Cox-Arquette is the stereotypical cougar - the world has gone really gone cougar crazy. I went on a City Chase in Sydney a few weeks back (think Amazing Race but in the city) and the winning creative team name was - "The Cougar and the Boy". (She didn't really look cougary and he didn't really look like a boy in case you were wondering).
Meanwhile, a recent study conducted in Germany warns that cougars who marry younger men could be shortening their life span by as much as 20%.
It's hardly a new phenomenon really. I remember shows that go as way back as Doogie Howser (Neil Patrick Harris before he was Barney) that talked about the phenomenon - essentially men hit their sexual prime at the age of 17 while a woman's libido doesn't peak until she's about 40 - so really the match up makes sense. And then there are the cougars way before Demi Moore - Elizabeth Taylor with rumours going around that she may be set to make her most recent beau, Jason Winters, hubby number 9. Winters, is of course, 29 years Taylor's junior.
So really, I find myself asking, what's the big deal???
Is this the next part of the great feminism wave and step for women's rights? Now that we are keen on our careers, our social lives, our freedom to have sex like a man - is the next logical step to promote and glorify cougardom so that when we do decide we're ready to settle down - we think we're hot enough to get the 20 something year boy cubs?
What do you think? Why the interest in cougars? Will we see more of them in the coming years or is it just fad?
Cougar Terms to Know
Cougar - a woman, usually aged 35 or older who prefers - and actively pursues younger men - usually 8 years her junior.
Cub - the young male counterpart to the cougar.
Trout - a term used for a male dating a significantly younger female.
Puma - considered a cougar in training, refers to a woman in her late twenties or early thirties who dates a younger man.
Source: Wikipedia
Meanwhile, a recent study conducted in Germany warns that cougars who marry younger men could be shortening their life span by as much as 20%.
It's hardly a new phenomenon really. I remember shows that go as way back as Doogie Howser (Neil Patrick Harris before he was Barney) that talked about the phenomenon - essentially men hit their sexual prime at the age of 17 while a woman's libido doesn't peak until she's about 40 - so really the match up makes sense. And then there are the cougars way before Demi Moore - Elizabeth Taylor with rumours going around that she may be set to make her most recent beau, Jason Winters, hubby number 9. Winters, is of course, 29 years Taylor's junior.
So really, I find myself asking, what's the big deal???
Is this the next part of the great feminism wave and step for women's rights? Now that we are keen on our careers, our social lives, our freedom to have sex like a man - is the next logical step to promote and glorify cougardom so that when we do decide we're ready to settle down - we think we're hot enough to get the 20 something year boy cubs?
What do you think? Why the interest in cougars? Will we see more of them in the coming years or is it just fad?
Cougar Terms to Know
Cougar - a woman, usually aged 35 or older who prefers - and actively pursues younger men - usually 8 years her junior.
Cub - the young male counterpart to the cougar.
Trout - a term used for a male dating a significantly younger female.
Puma - considered a cougar in training, refers to a woman in her late twenties or early thirties who dates a younger man.
Source: Wikipedia
Friday, May 14, 2010
Do women just want too much?
Interesting tweet came up on my dashboard a few days ago that I wanted to share with:
"RT @Dymocksbooks: RT @onebigorooni: #101comp "Eat, Pray, Love: 1 Woman's Search for Everything": Ppl r SO greedy these days"
Onebigorooni may have run out of characters, but I wonder if he/she really meant "WOMAN r SO greedy these days."
And it could be a valid point.
I haven't read the book, but I've heard that it's an inspiring read. The very personal journey that Gilbert embarks on to heal and grow is, supposedly, very real and relatable. I will have my hands on a copy of it to find out for myself.
Outside of the literary merit of the work, what about the social implications? Do we as women, or maybe as people just simply expect too much?
These days, it's not enough for many to have a roof over their heads and food on the table - we're looking for some sort of "spiritual" or "soulful" satisfaction. We want to feel like we have rewarding careers, loving partners, excitement and security, intimacy - and independence. In a nutshell, we really want it all.
Are we just being too greedy?
An interesting read by Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers, talks about the Paradox of Declining Female Happiness. Over the past 35 years, females as a sex have seen a number of important milestones, from the introduction of birth control to increased female education - a study shows 41 % of women earned a tertiary degree compared to just 33 % of males. We're blazing the way into roles that have always been traditionally held by men - look at the amazing achievements of German chancellor Angela Merkel.
But despite all that, women don't seem to be any happier and Stevenson and Wolfers studies show that women are much less happier than men, compared to 35 years ago when these sorts of opportunities weren't available.
"The increased opportunity to succeed in many dimensions may have led to an increased likelihood of believing that one’s life is not measuring up," Stevenson and Wolfers raise in their discussion. Women are more likely to compare themselves to a broader group - even ones that sit outside of their abilities. We want to succeed as mothers, as lovers, in our careers and among our peers. Perhaps, because women are traditionally more sympathetic to the needs and demands of others - part of our nurturing instincts, we don't want to let anyone down - even if it is just ourselves.
But are we really letting our loved ones down as much as we think we are? In a survey of 3rd - 12th graders and their mothersin the US, while 56% of mothers' believed their children would wish that their mothers could spend more time with them, only 10% of children actually made this wish. The most popular wish was "'I want my mom to be less stressed and tired."
Maybe we have to cut ourselves a break.
What do you think? Are women more or less happy than they were in the past? Do we want and expect too much from life and ourselves? What makes you happy?
"RT @Dymocksbooks: RT @onebigorooni: #101comp "Eat, Pray, Love: 1 Woman's Search for Everything": Ppl r SO greedy these days"
Onebigorooni may have run out of characters, but I wonder if he/she really meant "WOMAN r SO greedy these days."
And it could be a valid point.
I haven't read the book, but I've heard that it's an inspiring read. The very personal journey that Gilbert embarks on to heal and grow is, supposedly, very real and relatable. I will have my hands on a copy of it to find out for myself.
Outside of the literary merit of the work, what about the social implications? Do we as women, or maybe as people just simply expect too much?
These days, it's not enough for many to have a roof over their heads and food on the table - we're looking for some sort of "spiritual" or "soulful" satisfaction. We want to feel like we have rewarding careers, loving partners, excitement and security, intimacy - and independence. In a nutshell, we really want it all.
Are we just being too greedy?
An interesting read by Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers, talks about the Paradox of Declining Female Happiness. Over the past 35 years, females as a sex have seen a number of important milestones, from the introduction of birth control to increased female education - a study shows 41 % of women earned a tertiary degree compared to just 33 % of males. We're blazing the way into roles that have always been traditionally held by men - look at the amazing achievements of German chancellor Angela Merkel.
But despite all that, women don't seem to be any happier and Stevenson and Wolfers studies show that women are much less happier than men, compared to 35 years ago when these sorts of opportunities weren't available.
"The increased opportunity to succeed in many dimensions may have led to an increased likelihood of believing that one’s life is not measuring up," Stevenson and Wolfers raise in their discussion. Women are more likely to compare themselves to a broader group - even ones that sit outside of their abilities. We want to succeed as mothers, as lovers, in our careers and among our peers. Perhaps, because women are traditionally more sympathetic to the needs and demands of others - part of our nurturing instincts, we don't want to let anyone down - even if it is just ourselves.
But are we really letting our loved ones down as much as we think we are? In a survey of 3rd - 12th graders and their mothersin the US, while 56% of mothers' believed their children would wish that their mothers could spend more time with them, only 10% of children actually made this wish. The most popular wish was "'I want my mom to be less stressed and tired."
Maybe we have to cut ourselves a break.
What do you think? Are women more or less happy than they were in the past? Do we want and expect too much from life and ourselves? What makes you happy?
Monday, May 10, 2010
Is future happiness tied in the past?
When I was about 3 months into seeing this guy, my good girlfriend asked me "so what's his story? How many people has he been with?"
I honestly had no idea.
About two years later now and we're moving in together - I've met his family and spent Xmas with them twice. I know most of his friends. We spend most of our time together. I also know he hasn't been previously married, doesn't have kids and has never had a gay experience.
I just don't know anything about how many ex's he has or how many people he's slept with.
And he doesn't really know my history either - not that I haven't volunteered it, but he says there's no reason to know.
I can't help but wonder sometimes though. Were his ex's hot? Were they bitchy? Did they live together? Am I kinky enough for him?
That's probably one of the main reasons for partners wanting to know about their partner's past - to ensure that they are sexually gratified. You don't want to find out he has a long standing history of BDSM and the most adventurous you've ever been is doggy style.
The other concern is infidelity. You've heard the expression "once a cheater, always a cheater" and for those who have been hurt by a cheating partner - it's exceptionally hard to trust again. However, according to Private Investigator, Bill Mitchell (who's solved over two thousand infidelity cases, only about 15-20% of cheaters are repeat offenders - so perhaps that offers some level of comfort. Although varying statistics say anywhere between 22 - 50% even 70% of partner's cheat in a marriage - but I have my suspicions that these tests and statistics are conducted by online spy software companies - and PIs like Mitchell - trying to hock their wares. The NYTimes quotes the National Opinion Research Center that says 1/4 of men and 1/6 of women cheat.
So are we paranoid in our desire to know about our partner's past? Is it pivotal to our future happiness? Is it true once a cheater always a cheater?
Your thoughts!!
I honestly had no idea.
About two years later now and we're moving in together - I've met his family and spent Xmas with them twice. I know most of his friends. We spend most of our time together. I also know he hasn't been previously married, doesn't have kids and has never had a gay experience.
I just don't know anything about how many ex's he has or how many people he's slept with.
And he doesn't really know my history either - not that I haven't volunteered it, but he says there's no reason to know.
I can't help but wonder sometimes though. Were his ex's hot? Were they bitchy? Did they live together? Am I kinky enough for him?
That's probably one of the main reasons for partners wanting to know about their partner's past - to ensure that they are sexually gratified. You don't want to find out he has a long standing history of BDSM and the most adventurous you've ever been is doggy style.
The other concern is infidelity. You've heard the expression "once a cheater, always a cheater" and for those who have been hurt by a cheating partner - it's exceptionally hard to trust again. However, according to Private Investigator, Bill Mitchell (who's solved over two thousand infidelity cases, only about 15-20% of cheaters are repeat offenders - so perhaps that offers some level of comfort. Although varying statistics say anywhere between 22 - 50% even 70% of partner's cheat in a marriage - but I have my suspicions that these tests and statistics are conducted by online spy software companies - and PIs like Mitchell - trying to hock their wares. The NYTimes quotes the National Opinion Research Center that says 1/4 of men and 1/6 of women cheat.
So are we paranoid in our desire to know about our partner's past? Is it pivotal to our future happiness? Is it true once a cheater always a cheater?
Your thoughts!!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Can men write women?
I just finished reading The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde. Silly, fun book but the main character, literary investigator Thursday Next - left me a little...flat. She didn't seem like a credible woman. She was strong, independent and stubborn - but was strangely alienating in her desire to marry the man she loved.
To me, she seemed like a man's mind put into a woman's body.
It makes me wonder - can men REALLY write women?
I'm thinking of Stiegg Larrsson's Lisbeth Salander or the women of Fitzgerald's books - they were certainly interesting and captivating characters but were they credible women? Was Dickens eccentric Miss Havisham and cold calculating Estella real women? Compared to the Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre or her sister's Catherine in Wuthering Heights - male authors seem to make their female characters, unique - more than just the typical "woman". While their men tend to be more often than not, typical Joes that do something extraordinary.
What do you think? Who are your favourite female book characters? Can men write women? And how about women writing men?
To me, she seemed like a man's mind put into a woman's body.
It makes me wonder - can men REALLY write women?
I'm thinking of Stiegg Larrsson's Lisbeth Salander or the women of Fitzgerald's books - they were certainly interesting and captivating characters but were they credible women? Was Dickens eccentric Miss Havisham and cold calculating Estella real women? Compared to the Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre or her sister's Catherine in Wuthering Heights - male authors seem to make their female characters, unique - more than just the typical "woman". While their men tend to be more often than not, typical Joes that do something extraordinary.
What do you think? Who are your favourite female book characters? Can men write women? And how about women writing men?
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The State of the ahem "Union" in Australia - Affairs
A new online dating site has launched in Australia - but I'm not saying singles take note! Ashleymadison.com caters to married individuals and those in long term relationships that are looking to indulge in a bit of...dallying on the side.
It's actually not supposed to be that surprising. According to many estimates, 60% of men ad 45% of women admit to having an extramarital affair. Meanwhile, that puts estimates of all marriages affected by affairs at a whopping 70%. Noel Biderman, founder of the site, told SMH that it's not in the human nature to stay in with one partner for the long term. It would seem like the general populace agrees, with 280,000 users subscribed to the site already - 36% of them are women.
Some reckon that a little affair can rekindle the old marital flames - add a little spice in your life. Even if this were true, is an affairs' based website the way to go about it? Isn't part of the excitement of an affair is that it's spontaneous and wasn't meant to happen? The appeal and romance that the two of you couldn't keep your hands off each other and are risking your unions for the sake of passion and animal magnetism?
Meanwhile, today's other Life & Style headline is that Australia is one of the world's cluckiest nations - Australia ranks just behind Norway as the best country to have children. So to the outside reader, we're a nation of clucky cheaters - who believe a woman can't be raped wearing skinny jeans.
If I was a woman thinking about moving to Australia - I'd definitely be considering New Zealand at the moment.
What do you think about the state of the "Union"? Are most marriages affected by affairs? Would you consider starting an affair online?
--
The State of the "Union" in Australia - Relationship Facts
Top 3 challenges people face in finding a partner:
1. No one suitable
2. How do you meet people?
3. Too busy
Top 3 causes for relationship breakdown
1. Communication Difficulties
2. Financial Stress
3. Lack of commitment
Top 3 factors that would make people happier
1. More money/better finances
2. Better health
3. More downtime and less work
Source: Relationship Australia 2008
It's actually not supposed to be that surprising. According to many estimates, 60% of men ad 45% of women admit to having an extramarital affair. Meanwhile, that puts estimates of all marriages affected by affairs at a whopping 70%. Noel Biderman, founder of the site, told SMH that it's not in the human nature to stay in with one partner for the long term. It would seem like the general populace agrees, with 280,000 users subscribed to the site already - 36% of them are women.
Some reckon that a little affair can rekindle the old marital flames - add a little spice in your life. Even if this were true, is an affairs' based website the way to go about it? Isn't part of the excitement of an affair is that it's spontaneous and wasn't meant to happen? The appeal and romance that the two of you couldn't keep your hands off each other and are risking your unions for the sake of passion and animal magnetism?
Meanwhile, today's other Life & Style headline is that Australia is one of the world's cluckiest nations - Australia ranks just behind Norway as the best country to have children. So to the outside reader, we're a nation of clucky cheaters - who believe a woman can't be raped wearing skinny jeans.
If I was a woman thinking about moving to Australia - I'd definitely be considering New Zealand at the moment.
What do you think about the state of the "Union"? Are most marriages affected by affairs? Would you consider starting an affair online?
--
The State of the "Union" in Australia - Relationship Facts
Top 3 challenges people face in finding a partner:
1. No one suitable
2. How do you meet people?
3. Too busy
Top 3 causes for relationship breakdown
1. Communication Difficulties
2. Financial Stress
3. Lack of commitment
Top 3 factors that would make people happier
1. More money/better finances
2. Better health
3. More downtime and less work
Source: Relationship Australia 2008
Monday, May 3, 2010
Seriously, is there such a thing as balanced love?
Love advice from my mum: it's better if you end up with someone who loves you more than you love them. Seriously - she reckons that if you're gonna be in an unbalanced relationship, better that the scales should be tipped in your favour - typical Mum advice.
But it does get me thinking, is there ever really such a thing as a completely balanced relationship? Can 2 people really love each other entirely equally?
The fear I guess that mothers have for their daughters is that love is irrational and can cause us to do irrational things. They're the driving force behind crimes of passion, youth suicide packs - and why guys will stand in the rain with a boom box held over their heads or why girls will fly across country to rush in to try to stop her ex's wedding - why we seem to so willingly rush to make fools of ourselves - all in the name of love.
But is it better in the end to have a partner who loves us more? In some ways, it makes sense - since women want to be romanced and wooed - worshipped even. So isn't it better to be loved more?
Meanwhile, women still seem to fall for the bad boy and end up in abusive relationships - where you question if the partner cares for them at all. In this extreme, it's the thrill of being entirely in love - crazy in love - that makes life exciting. Without that irrational emotional...passion - is life too boring?
What do you think? Can two people really love each other equally? Is there always an imbalance? Which is better - to love or be loved?
But it does get me thinking, is there ever really such a thing as a completely balanced relationship? Can 2 people really love each other entirely equally?
The fear I guess that mothers have for their daughters is that love is irrational and can cause us to do irrational things. They're the driving force behind crimes of passion, youth suicide packs - and why guys will stand in the rain with a boom box held over their heads or why girls will fly across country to rush in to try to stop her ex's wedding - why we seem to so willingly rush to make fools of ourselves - all in the name of love.
But is it better in the end to have a partner who loves us more? In some ways, it makes sense - since women want to be romanced and wooed - worshipped even. So isn't it better to be loved more?
Meanwhile, women still seem to fall for the bad boy and end up in abusive relationships - where you question if the partner cares for them at all. In this extreme, it's the thrill of being entirely in love - crazy in love - that makes life exciting. Without that irrational emotional...passion - is life too boring?
What do you think? Can two people really love each other equally? Is there always an imbalance? Which is better - to love or be loved?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Father knows best - except in matters of the heart
They say father knows best - at least that's what Glamour magazine is saying in its exclusive interview with Father Pat Connor. Father Connor reckons that he's doled out enough couples counselling advice to be able to compile a list of men who women just shouldn't marry.
It's a fairly obvious list - with the usual cast of characters when it comes to bad news boys - mummy's boys are a no-no as are men who are rude to waiters. Really at the end of the day, even celibate priests can spot a doomed relationship from miles away.
The thing is this is always easier said than done - cause your priest only ever has to worry about love for one guy - the Big Guy.
My cousin is a good example. She's 33 and on the husband hunt. She's been seeing a guy for over a year now but they live in different towns and have different days off so don't really see each other as often as they would like.
And he's a mama's boy. For her birthday, he gave my cousin a pearl necklace, that his mother had picked out. And he's hesitant to commit and comes with baggage - at 22 his wife left him in the night.
But despite all this, my cousin loves him.
Look, no matter what Father, me or anybody says, he's not the worse guy in the world. He has a steady job and he cares about my cousin and they love each other, so isn't that enough? Do his bad points really spell doom in the end?
What do you think? Are there really some guys you should write off at the start? What happens if you fall in love before you realise these faults?
Father Pat Connor's list
WHOM NOT TO MARRY
Mummy's boys
Men who are bad with money
Men with no friends
Men who put you down in public
Men who are rude to waitering staff
Men unable to laugh at themselves
Men unwilling to share authority
Men who never make demands countering yours
It's a fairly obvious list - with the usual cast of characters when it comes to bad news boys - mummy's boys are a no-no as are men who are rude to waiters. Really at the end of the day, even celibate priests can spot a doomed relationship from miles away.
The thing is this is always easier said than done - cause your priest only ever has to worry about love for one guy - the Big Guy.
My cousin is a good example. She's 33 and on the husband hunt. She's been seeing a guy for over a year now but they live in different towns and have different days off so don't really see each other as often as they would like.
And he's a mama's boy. For her birthday, he gave my cousin a pearl necklace, that his mother had picked out. And he's hesitant to commit and comes with baggage - at 22 his wife left him in the night.
But despite all this, my cousin loves him.
Look, no matter what Father, me or anybody says, he's not the worse guy in the world. He has a steady job and he cares about my cousin and they love each other, so isn't that enough? Do his bad points really spell doom in the end?
What do you think? Are there really some guys you should write off at the start? What happens if you fall in love before you realise these faults?
Father Pat Connor's list
WHOM NOT TO MARRY
Mummy's boys
Men who are bad with money
Men with no friends
Men who put you down in public
Men who are rude to waitering staff
Men unable to laugh at themselves
Men unwilling to share authority
Men who never make demands countering yours
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
